3. The Tatiana Thing

November 28, 1987

Brisbane. Australia. Geez, it was freaking cold. The only thing I could compare it to were the bitter winters in Gary, IN when I was a kid. You would think I’d be used to it!

My manager, Frank, was asleep next to me: in rare form. It was hard to ever find this guy not on his guard. He’s usually on his toes, always in control, with his signature stogie ba

lancing effortlessly in his mouth. I grinned as I poked my nose inside the collar of my BAD tour letterman so only my eyes were visible. The bus rattled as it putted along a thin overpass. Australia is beautiful; the perfect place to disappear.

The sun was just rising and all I could hear was the gently snoring from the crew inside the tour bus.

My lips turned at the corners as I thought of her; Tatiana. If she was sleeping, I was going to completely spook her—I LOVE practical jokes and no one, much less Tatiana, was safe.

I climbed over Frank, more so crept past his protruding belly, and navigated the dimly lit aisle to find her with hopes of her waking in a start and flashing her beautiful smile. Six rows past and I started to get concerned, she usually sticks with Sheryl [Crow], but I had passed Sheryl two rows back. I stood straight up puzzled when I heard a hushed voice say, “Hands up.” I cocked by head slightly as I felt a sharp poke in the middle of my back.

I slowly raised my arms while turning around to meet her eyes. Her large almond-colored, playful

eyes…..with a fully loader NERF water gun.

Crap.

“Any...last...words?” she whispered as her face broke into an ear-splitting grin. I feigned terror as I dropped my hands. Lips quivering I mouthed so she couldn’t hear me, “mind your head.” She leaned in closer confused, her curly hair catching the sun as it pierced the morning sky, “huh?”

I yelled at the top of my lungs, “MIND YOUR HEAD!” as I scooped her up by the waist and put her over my shoulder. She squealed as she lazily attempted to squirt me with the gun. “You cheater!” she yelled through uncontrollable laughs. I snickered and placed her on her feet, biting my lip as I nervously rubbed my neck and licked my lips. “G-g-good morning” she said shyly. Before I could respond, nearly the entire crew cooed “AWWWWWWWWW”, which made me flush red and retreat quickly back to my seat.

It was kind of a standing joke that everyone knew Tatiana had a huge crush on me. What most people didn’t know was that…I had just as big a crush on her.

“We’re due for check in at the Ritz-Carlton here in 10 minutes people,” yelled the driver over the abrupt commotion. Thank God. I couldn’t wait to attempt some kind of sleep. Lately, and by lately I mean the past year, I’ve had issues sleeping, hopefully I can find some kind of rest tonight…