3. The Tatiana Thing

November 28, 1987

Brisbane. Australia. Geez, it was freaking cold. The only thing I could compare it to were the bitter winters in Gary, IN when I was a kid. You would think I’d be used to it!

My manager, Frank, was asleep next to me: in rare form. It was hard to ever find this guy not on his guard. He’s usually on his toes, always in control, with his signature stogie ba

lancing effortlessly in his mouth. I grinned as I poked my nose inside the collar of my BAD tour letterman so only my eyes were visible. The bus rattled as it putted along a thin overpass. Australia is beautiful; the perfect place to disappear.

The sun was just rising and all I could hear was the gently snoring from the crew inside the tour bus.

My lips turned at the corners as I thought of her; Tatiana. If she was sleeping, I was going to completely spook her—I LOVE practical jokes and no one, much less Tatiana, was safe.

I climbed over Frank, more so crept past his protruding belly, and navigated the dimly lit aisle to find her with hopes of her waking in a start and flashing her beautiful smile. Six rows past and I started to get concerned, she usually sticks with Sheryl [Crow], but I had passed Sheryl two rows back. I stood straight up puzzled when I heard a hushed voice say, “Hands up.” I cocked by head slightly as I felt a sharp poke in the middle of my back.

I slowly raised my arms while turning around to meet her eyes. Her large almond-colored, playful

eyes…..with a fully loader NERF water gun.

Crap.

“Any...last...words?” she whispered as her face broke into an ear-splitting grin. I feigned terror as I dropped my hands. Lips quivering I mouthed so she couldn’t hear me, “mind your head.” She leaned in closer confused, her curly hair catching the sun as it pierced the morning sky, “huh?”

I yelled at the top of my lungs, “MIND YOUR HEAD!” as I scooped her up by the waist and put her over my shoulder. She squealed as she lazily attempted to squirt me with the gun. “You cheater!” she yelled through uncontrollable laughs. I snickered and placed her on her feet, biting my lip as I nervously rubbed my neck and licked my lips. “G-g-good morning” she said shyly. Before I could respond, nearly the entire crew cooed “AWWWWWWWWW”, which made me flush red and retreat quickly back to my seat.

It was kind of a standing joke that everyone knew Tatiana had a huge crush on me. What most people didn’t know was that…I had just as big a crush on her.

“We’re due for check in at the Ritz-Carlton here in 10 minutes people,” yelled the driver over the abrupt commotion. Thank God. I couldn’t wait to attempt some kind of sleep. Lately, and by lately I mean the past year, I’ve had issues sleeping, hopefully I can find some kind of rest tonight…

2.Caught

Monday, February 15th, 1988

My face immediately dropped and I habitually touched my chin with my hand. Frank Dileo, in the flesh--with
customary cigar in tow.

Damn.

How on Earth did he find out? We were so careful! We flew in a private jet, rode through LAX in an unmarked car, hell Katherine (my mother) didn't even know I was in the country! How on Earth...

As they strode across the lawn, the two progressing figures were joined by another--a tall, burly man in a jet-black suit met them grinning at Frank and shaking his hand in a firm grip. Really, Jerry? I should have known.

I felt like a fool: here I was 29 years old thinking I'm fooling everyone and the one person I thought was in my corner was consorting with the enemy. Ok, so maybe enemy is being dramatic. But why did he have to tell Frank?

1. Sycamore Valley Ranch

Monday February 15, 1988

Frank is going to kill me. 

I tried to stifle a giggle, amused at how crafty I was to manage international travel seemingly on my own. Jerry, my security, looked my way in reply to my laugh and then revisited his gaze outside the tinted black windows.

Me and Frank Dileo

Jerry was quiet, and very mindful of his position. He had saved my head from being lobbed off on many occasions, (my fans, they're passionate, ya know?) but he wasn't much fun. He didn't like to laugh and that made me uncomfortable. I didn't care I had to see it! There were a few offers on the table for it and I didn't want to miss my chance to find a piece of stability, a home--my first!

I had never traveled without my manager Frank Dileo before and it took all the begging and pleading in the world to convince Jerry to buy the tickets from Brisbane to LAX and sneak me back into California without a media fiasco. Rehearsals, airports, and a slew of press for the American leg of the BAD tour was all going rampant--but I didn't care.